Ok, by now Fifty Shades of Grey isn't really news. The book has been out for a while, and the movie has been out long enough for everyone to complain about the moral situation of America/the death of film as an art form/how much they love seeing A cups on the silver screen. But here I am writing a review about it, because that's what I do.
So, the review. This will be short. Simply said, 50 Shades is just a bad movie. But you're not here for simple, are you? Here's my opinion: I was entertained, but not in the way I was supposed to be.
The first time Grey (not Channing Tatum) and Ana (Dakota Fanning or something like that) meet, it's full of "sexual tension." I put that in quotes because if I didn't know going into the movie that it'd be about weird tie-me-up sex, then the scene would have been totally devoid of tension. The way they talk to each other is so wooden and scripted it reminded me of a reality show. When Grey first says Ana's full name, which is Anastasia Steele, me and the other 3 lonely dumbasses in the theatre started cracking up. It's a porn star name through and through and it just sounds corny and stupid coming from Grey's mouth. The whole first half feels like a comedy, like a really high budget porno that still couldn't find actors worth a damn. It's packed with the kind of thinly-veiled innuendo that's the stuff of party jokes, phrases so lame and cheesy you could say them to your own mother and then have a hearty laugh about it. Did I mention that the acting is, uh... lackluster? Well, it is.
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Enough bashing on the poor movie, though. Nobody thought it was going to be a "good" movie, so I'm really just preaching to the choir. I hope. The movie did have a couple of positives, though. The first item on this short list is the scenery and the feel of the movie. They did a great job of making everything very grey, and I counted at least 50 different shades used throughout the course of the film. Bravo, guys. The sets are always rainy and cloudy, which gives the film the right feel. Some of the scenes are also really cool to watch for this reason, such as a "business meeting" where Grey and Ana meet to discuss changes in Grey's proposed sex contract. It's all red and orange and set in a conference room with a glass table. It's sexy and tense and was pretty visually stimulating. No, not like that.
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The best part of 50 Shades is the humor, hands down. There are a couple of actually funny lines, and one scene where Ana is drunk in a bar that could have easily been out of a Judd Apatow movie. While I didn't like the way Ana's character would swing from being funny and witty to being shy and vulnerable, she was actually funny when she tried to be. Considering how... lame most of the movie was, the comic relief was much appreciated.
All in all, 50 Shades was not great. It wasn't even good. It had a couple of good moments and visually interesting scenes, but most of the movie is so dumb that it just feels like watching softcore porn the whole time. If it hadn't been for the corn dog bites I bought as a snack I might have even left halfway through to go do something else, like stare at the sun. The main problem is that this movie doesn't go far enough in any one direction be noteworthy. The sex scenes are graphic, sure, but the brother-sister rape scene in Game of Thrones makes 50 Shades seem like child's play. If you're looking for BDSM, the internet is full of porn, anyway. As a romance movie, it falls flat because the writing is horrible and the acting is even worse. Grey doesn't even hang dong in it. I give 50 Shades of Grey 3/10 Tumblr pages devoted to hating on it.
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